Sorry it's been a while since a blogpost. Had a lot on my mind.
It's in the darkest times I start to think about how low I was when I was offending. I never want to go there again. Causing so much damage to myself, those around me and those abused children.
It's all to easy to dismiss the damage caused by indecent images alone. Even if you feel the image is self-created, the subject will still suffer embarassment should anyone she knows discover it.
Nothing will ever get rid of the guilt I have for the children in those images. That includes those who "know what they're doing", the teenage girls splashed across the tabloids either dispaying their bodies or their children, on the pages that don't have stories of the monsters who view them as sexual objects, who I should point out I have no defence for, including myself.
One day I hope to be known for something else than my sins and failings. To escape them. To become something else. To be an ex-sex-offender. To somehow make amends for the damage I have caused.
I just don't know how. Help.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 06, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
A hurdle overcome...
While on a message board (whose name i shall not mention), i came across some users posting indecent (mostly pseudo) images of children. This i found very concerning, and i started to worry about getting into old habits, as i've been at a slight emotional low ebb recently.
However, the first thing that struck me was that i was not aroused by those images, nor the idea of viweing them, in the slightest. In fact, i felt repulsed by them. Especially the pseudo-images, whose content was far more graphic than the images of actual children. This is an important step for me. It means i don't have to worry when people say "he's a sex offemder, he'll reoffend" that they might actually be right.
In fact, i was so repulsed that i reported said messageboard, and another linked from it, to the Internet Watch Foundation - http://www.iwf.org.uk - i encourage anyone else who comes across this type of material to do likewise. I also put the addresses in the block list on my router, just in case.
By the way, if anyone ever needs advice on stopping themselves accessing indecent images, i check here considerably more than i post, so don't be scared to comment, and if i can help i'll reply.
However, the first thing that struck me was that i was not aroused by those images, nor the idea of viweing them, in the slightest. In fact, i felt repulsed by them. Especially the pseudo-images, whose content was far more graphic than the images of actual children. This is an important step for me. It means i don't have to worry when people say "he's a sex offemder, he'll reoffend" that they might actually be right.
In fact, i was so repulsed that i reported said messageboard, and another linked from it, to the Internet Watch Foundation - http://www.iwf.org.uk - i encourage anyone else who comes across this type of material to do likewise. I also put the addresses in the block list on my router, just in case.
By the way, if anyone ever needs advice on stopping themselves accessing indecent images, i check here considerably more than i post, so don't be scared to comment, and if i can help i'll reply.
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Another interesting link...
From Badscience on the "60 children" issue.
http://www.badscience.net/2010/08/more-than-60-children-saved-from-abuse/#more-1748
http://www.badscience.net/2010/08/more-than-60-children-saved-from-abuse/#more-1748
Saturday, August 07, 2010
Monday, August 02, 2010
Interesting article on wikileaks...
http://wikileaks.org/wiki/An_insight_into_child_porn
I only skim-read it, but i thought it brought up some very interesting points.
I only skim-read it, but i thought it brought up some very interesting points.
Sunday, August 01, 2010
What bothers me about sarah's law...
is the fact that it's another move forward in the guilty until proven innocent culture that we have here in the UK.
It, in my opinion wrongly, assumes that child sex offenders who have been to prison, reformed their lives and moved on from their offending (i include myself in this group) would want to have contact with children, let alone commit any further offence against them.
It does nothing to address the issues of abuse in care or within the family. It does not do anything different than MAPPA panels and the public protection arm of the police. All it attempts to do is push the people who society can't understand to the sidelines and away from them as far as possible. It fits in with my view that being a convicted child sex offender is essentially a 21st century form of leprosy.
I can't even walk down the high street without feeling guilt about what i have done and worrying that a child is too close to me, even though i have done nothing to place myself anywhere close to that child.
My best friend met a girl who has a child. She was told about my crimes, and i have now lost all of my friends as she has spread this around them. The ironic thing is that the only person i have ever told is that best friend, and i know he didn't tell her. I have my suspicions that the public protection police (or if not, the probation service) told her about my offending behaviour. I have no interest in that child, and made sure to distance myself from her on several occasions, my best friend (now her step-father) was fully aware of my conviction, yet i am instantly accused of wanting to cause harm to her because of my past mistakes. How can that be right? Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? Why do the government and police force take pride in keeping people in fear?
I make no excuses from the crimes i have committed nor anyone who commits a crime against a child, but to automatically assume that they are more dangerous than anyone else because of a minority is in my opinion completely wrong.
It, in my opinion wrongly, assumes that child sex offenders who have been to prison, reformed their lives and moved on from their offending (i include myself in this group) would want to have contact with children, let alone commit any further offence against them.
It does nothing to address the issues of abuse in care or within the family. It does not do anything different than MAPPA panels and the public protection arm of the police. All it attempts to do is push the people who society can't understand to the sidelines and away from them as far as possible. It fits in with my view that being a convicted child sex offender is essentially a 21st century form of leprosy.
I can't even walk down the high street without feeling guilt about what i have done and worrying that a child is too close to me, even though i have done nothing to place myself anywhere close to that child.
My best friend met a girl who has a child. She was told about my crimes, and i have now lost all of my friends as she has spread this around them. The ironic thing is that the only person i have ever told is that best friend, and i know he didn't tell her. I have my suspicions that the public protection police (or if not, the probation service) told her about my offending behaviour. I have no interest in that child, and made sure to distance myself from her on several occasions, my best friend (now her step-father) was fully aware of my conviction, yet i am instantly accused of wanting to cause harm to her because of my past mistakes. How can that be right? Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? Why do the government and police force take pride in keeping people in fear?
I make no excuses from the crimes i have committed nor anyone who commits a crime against a child, but to automatically assume that they are more dangerous than anyone else because of a minority is in my opinion completely wrong.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Anyone care for....
Some level one indecent images of children?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1298524/Kim-Kardashians-14-year-old-sister-Kendall-Jenner-defends-bikini-photo-shoot.html
To quote The Crown Prosecution Service:
In looking at the nature of the material the Sentencing Guidelines Council has categorised such material into five levels of seriousness with level five being the most serious.
Level one - Images of erotic posing, with no sexual activity...
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1298524/Kim-Kardashians-14-year-old-sister-Kendall-Jenner-defends-bikini-photo-shoot.html
To quote The Crown Prosecution Service:
In looking at the nature of the material the Sentencing Guidelines Council has categorised such material into five levels of seriousness with level five being the most serious.
Level one - Images of erotic posing, with no sexual activity...
Friday, July 23, 2010
Jon Venables
Just wanted to make a quick post with my views on Jon Venables and his two year sentence for possession/distribution.
My view is that, unfortunately, it was inevitable that this was going to happen. The criminal justice system took away his childhood (for good reason IMHO), and he missed out on sexual experimentation at a young age - "Doctors & Nurses" anyone?
I know this because it was a huge contributor to my own offending. That and the feeling that i had no future, which can only have been greater for someone with a past like his.
I imagine his victim empathy for those children in the images, who have lost their childhoods (albeit for different reasons entirely) will hit him extremely hard when he reaches that stage of the SOTP (Sex Offenders Treatment Programme) course.
My view is that, unfortunately, it was inevitable that this was going to happen. The criminal justice system took away his childhood (for good reason IMHO), and he missed out on sexual experimentation at a young age - "Doctors & Nurses" anyone?
I know this because it was a huge contributor to my own offending. That and the feeling that i had no future, which can only have been greater for someone with a past like his.
I imagine his victim empathy for those children in the images, who have lost their childhoods (albeit for different reasons entirely) will hit him extremely hard when he reaches that stage of the SOTP (Sex Offenders Treatment Programme) course.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Hi.
I know it's been a long time, and I apologise to anyone who has been checking for updates.
There is a good reason why I haven't updated: I've been in prison for three years.
I'll update soon with details, including what I've been through and, most importantly, what I've learnt, in due course.
There is a good reason why I haven't updated: I've been in prison for three years.
I'll update soon with details, including what I've been through and, most importantly, what I've learnt, in due course.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
charges.
10 of them to be precice:
- Advertising the distribution of child porn on IRC
- 8 cases of distributing files (named) to users (all usernames but one)
- And a creation one for the upskirts
Banned from using the internet unsupervised, using internet cafes, and posessing a phone with a camera as bail conditions, and i've got to go to the magistrates court tomorrow. I'm only updating here as mum is in the kitchen.
I think it's just to answer the charges, then it'll be adjourned for a bit and i'll be bailed.
I just feel numb. Might be the anti-depressants doing that though.
Oh, and if i hadn't mentioned, i found out this week that i've been brain damaged for the last 7 years, but everyone decided it was better not to tell me. And it could be the cause of all of this.
If i'd known, i might have been able to read up on it and then push myself to avoid it. But no, they decided it was better i had no idea.
I'm fucked off, upset, and just feeling like i want to curl up and die at the same time. And it's very confusing.
- Advertising the distribution of child porn on IRC
- 8 cases of distributing files (named) to users (all usernames but one)
- And a creation one for the upskirts
Banned from using the internet unsupervised, using internet cafes, and posessing a phone with a camera as bail conditions, and i've got to go to the magistrates court tomorrow. I'm only updating here as mum is in the kitchen.
I think it's just to answer the charges, then it'll be adjourned for a bit and i'll be bailed.
I just feel numb. Might be the anti-depressants doing that though.
Oh, and if i hadn't mentioned, i found out this week that i've been brain damaged for the last 7 years, but everyone decided it was better not to tell me. And it could be the cause of all of this.
If i'd known, i might have been able to read up on it and then push myself to avoid it. But no, they decided it was better i had no idea.
I'm fucked off, upset, and just feeling like i want to curl up and die at the same time. And it's very confusing.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Long time no update....
Have been sleeping for most of the last few weeks.
I'm on anti-depressants now. I've needed them for a long time.
Turns out that 7 years after the accident, my GP has waited until now to spring the fact that i actually have brain damage on me. That was pretty great. I've got a bad tummy, but i don't know if that's the pills or not.
Bail again tomorrow. This time i get charged. Had a phone call from the solicitor earlier, she says that they're probably not going to remand me in custody, but i have a bail condition not to have a phone with a camera. These days, this is a difficult thing to find, but i have one that will have to do for now. Does mean giving up my fancy phone though, which i haven't done anything with.
The reason for that is that there may have been a few upskirt pics on my mobile. There you go, you're the first person i've told that. I can't bring myself to tell dad, my ex or the one friend that knows.
Oh, and the police apparently only told her parents that i was unable to fill in a form, and "gave examples" of the sentence i could recieve. Bullshit. I'll still be reading the code of conduct type thing tomorrow, to see if it mentions confidentiality.
Gotta go. Bye.
I'm on anti-depressants now. I've needed them for a long time.
Turns out that 7 years after the accident, my GP has waited until now to spring the fact that i actually have brain damage on me. That was pretty great. I've got a bad tummy, but i don't know if that's the pills or not.
Bail again tomorrow. This time i get charged. Had a phone call from the solicitor earlier, she says that they're probably not going to remand me in custody, but i have a bail condition not to have a phone with a camera. These days, this is a difficult thing to find, but i have one that will have to do for now. Does mean giving up my fancy phone though, which i haven't done anything with.
The reason for that is that there may have been a few upskirt pics on my mobile. There you go, you're the first person i've told that. I can't bring myself to tell dad, my ex or the one friend that knows.
Oh, and the police apparently only told her parents that i was unable to fill in a form, and "gave examples" of the sentence i could recieve. Bullshit. I'll still be reading the code of conduct type thing tomorrow, to see if it mentions confidentiality.
Gotta go. Bye.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
hmmm.
Sadly, most porn addicts have trouble trusting others. It’s only when they experience unconditional love and acceptance that they can open up for help. That’s why it’s important for addicts to attend support group meetings even before accepting that they’ll help.
That pretty much sums up my condition. I really thought i had unconditional love, but it turns out i was wrong. After all the unconditional love i gave her after everything that happened, i took getting it back as a given. Turns out i was wrong there doesn't it?
http://www.childlustrecovery.org/getting_help/index.html - it's 12 step based, so it gets a bit god-orientated, but it's making for an interesting read so far.
Got my letter to sign and send back today. I've got to be there at 9am monday morning. At that point, my parents will be cruising at 35,000 feet. They're trying to get there to meet me at 9am, but i've still got to travel up there alone. I'm just ever so slightly scared i'll be tempted to throw myself under a train.
I've got nobody else who could come with me, as only a few people know. Her, her family, our friend, the guy, my parents and me. That makes 9. If i believed for a second that any of them would come with me, or that if i told any of my other "friends" they wouldn't desert me, then i might feel slightly better, but alas i don't.
I really picked myself up off the floor last night, all because someone i like said kisses at the end of an MSN conversation. I thought "hey, perhaps i can move on, and start again. forget about her, and how hurt i am that she won't accept me after all the changes i made for her". I swore i'd never stand for cheating, and that i'd walk whatever the situation, but i loved her with all my heart, so accepted it and tried to make sure she didn't disappear with him.
That soon changed to "how would i tell her, and how do i know that she won't just disappear? if the girl i loved more than anyone in the world disappeared when she found out, why wouldn't she? and what if she did accept me? would that mean that i could love her more than my ex, who couldn't accept it and help me?"
It's very confusing. I didn't think i could ever love again, but last night i just sat there smiling, and i had butterflies and everything! It was great :)
It's also very strange and sad when the person you thought was your soulmate lets you down when you truly need them. That said, i suppose i let her down too.
That pretty much sums up my condition. I really thought i had unconditional love, but it turns out i was wrong. After all the unconditional love i gave her after everything that happened, i took getting it back as a given. Turns out i was wrong there doesn't it?
http://www.childlustrecovery.org/getting_help/index.html - it's 12 step based, so it gets a bit god-orientated, but it's making for an interesting read so far.
Got my letter to sign and send back today. I've got to be there at 9am monday morning. At that point, my parents will be cruising at 35,000 feet. They're trying to get there to meet me at 9am, but i've still got to travel up there alone. I'm just ever so slightly scared i'll be tempted to throw myself under a train.
I've got nobody else who could come with me, as only a few people know. Her, her family, our friend, the guy, my parents and me. That makes 9. If i believed for a second that any of them would come with me, or that if i told any of my other "friends" they wouldn't desert me, then i might feel slightly better, but alas i don't.
I really picked myself up off the floor last night, all because someone i like said kisses at the end of an MSN conversation. I thought "hey, perhaps i can move on, and start again. forget about her, and how hurt i am that she won't accept me after all the changes i made for her". I swore i'd never stand for cheating, and that i'd walk whatever the situation, but i loved her with all my heart, so accepted it and tried to make sure she didn't disappear with him.
That soon changed to "how would i tell her, and how do i know that she won't just disappear? if the girl i loved more than anyone in the world disappeared when she found out, why wouldn't she? and what if she did accept me? would that mean that i could love her more than my ex, who couldn't accept it and help me?"
It's very confusing. I didn't think i could ever love again, but last night i just sat there smiling, and i had butterflies and everything! It was great :)
It's also very strange and sad when the person you thought was your soulmate lets you down when you truly need them. That said, i suppose i let her down too.
Monday, July 31, 2006
i can't believe this
Apparently, the police now have the right to tell people that i'm not even involved with anymore what happens in interviews, and inform them that they're trying to get me a custodial sentence.
God knows what else they told my ex's parents, but the fact they told them anything i'm sure has to be against the rules.
I can't put into words how mad and upset i am about this. Because of what the police told my ex's parents, something that they had NO RIGHT TO DO, my ex hasn't talked to me since their visit. We were talking and there was a glimmer of hope before they delivered her computer back to her. Turns out not only did they not connect anything up inside the computer, but they also told her parents i don't know how much about my case and what happened in my last interview (which didn't go so well) - they told their daughter, naturally.
On top of all of this, i've got nobody to talk to about it. I had to talk to my parents on the phone (they're on holiday), and the only other person who knows i had a quick chat with, but she didn't really say anything back. Sent an e-mail to someone else, but they haven't replied yet.
I'm so close to just telling everyone. I can't stand keeping this in much longer. As it is the only person around the house with me this week doesn't even know.
I started posting somewhere where nobody knew who i was about it. They banned me pretty quickly, because obviously i'd be going straight to work on grooming the 14-16 year old members on the board, and they have to protect them.
WHY WON'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME THAT I NEVER HAVE HAD, OR HAVE NOW, ANY INTEREST IN DOING ANYTHING PHYSICAL TO A CHILD? WHY IS IT THAT AS SOON AS I MENTION THAT I'VE HAD A PROBLEM WITH CHILD PORN, THAT I'VE DONE SOMETHING PHYSICAL TO A CHILD? I'D KILL MYSELF LONG BEFORE DOING THAT!
I'M NOT PROUD OF WHAT I'VE SUPPORTED FOR SO LONG, AND I HATE THE FACT THAT CHILDREN HAVE BEEN ABUSED FOR MY PLEASURE. I'VE BEEN SELFISH FOR A LONG TIME, AND I WANT TO DO SOMETHING NOW TO FIX THAT. SHOVING PICTURES OF NAKED CHILDREN IN MY FACE AND GOING THROUGH NAMES OF PICTURES, ASKING ME AFTER EVERY ONE IF I'D CREATED THE IMAGE OR NOT, IS NOT GOING TO HELP ME FIX THE PROBLEM I'VE CREATED AND SUPPORTED! ESPECIALLY WHEN I'VE GOT SOME STUPID NEW FEMALE LAWYER WHO OBVIOUSLY HATES ME FOR WHAT I'VE DONE, AND WHO PERSUADED ME TO NO COMMENT THE WHOLE INTERVIEW BECAUSE I'D ALREADY SAID TOO MUCH WHEN I JUST WANTED IT OUT IN THE OPEN.
I can't do this anymore. I've got nobody to turn to who will give me a hug when i need one. I've got nobody who i can talk to about what i've done. All i can do is sit here, shaking, wishing my life was over. Wishing that something would happen to just strike me down. God if i wasn't such a chicken shit i'd do it myself. But i can't.
God knows what else they told my ex's parents, but the fact they told them anything i'm sure has to be against the rules.
I can't put into words how mad and upset i am about this. Because of what the police told my ex's parents, something that they had NO RIGHT TO DO, my ex hasn't talked to me since their visit. We were talking and there was a glimmer of hope before they delivered her computer back to her. Turns out not only did they not connect anything up inside the computer, but they also told her parents i don't know how much about my case and what happened in my last interview (which didn't go so well) - they told their daughter, naturally.
On top of all of this, i've got nobody to talk to about it. I had to talk to my parents on the phone (they're on holiday), and the only other person who knows i had a quick chat with, but she didn't really say anything back. Sent an e-mail to someone else, but they haven't replied yet.
I'm so close to just telling everyone. I can't stand keeping this in much longer. As it is the only person around the house with me this week doesn't even know.
I started posting somewhere where nobody knew who i was about it. They banned me pretty quickly, because obviously i'd be going straight to work on grooming the 14-16 year old members on the board, and they have to protect them.
WHY WON'T ANYONE BELIEVE ME THAT I NEVER HAVE HAD, OR HAVE NOW, ANY INTEREST IN DOING ANYTHING PHYSICAL TO A CHILD? WHY IS IT THAT AS SOON AS I MENTION THAT I'VE HAD A PROBLEM WITH CHILD PORN, THAT I'VE DONE SOMETHING PHYSICAL TO A CHILD? I'D KILL MYSELF LONG BEFORE DOING THAT!
I'M NOT PROUD OF WHAT I'VE SUPPORTED FOR SO LONG, AND I HATE THE FACT THAT CHILDREN HAVE BEEN ABUSED FOR MY PLEASURE. I'VE BEEN SELFISH FOR A LONG TIME, AND I WANT TO DO SOMETHING NOW TO FIX THAT. SHOVING PICTURES OF NAKED CHILDREN IN MY FACE AND GOING THROUGH NAMES OF PICTURES, ASKING ME AFTER EVERY ONE IF I'D CREATED THE IMAGE OR NOT, IS NOT GOING TO HELP ME FIX THE PROBLEM I'VE CREATED AND SUPPORTED! ESPECIALLY WHEN I'VE GOT SOME STUPID NEW FEMALE LAWYER WHO OBVIOUSLY HATES ME FOR WHAT I'VE DONE, AND WHO PERSUADED ME TO NO COMMENT THE WHOLE INTERVIEW BECAUSE I'D ALREADY SAID TOO MUCH WHEN I JUST WANTED IT OUT IN THE OPEN.
I can't do this anymore. I've got nobody to turn to who will give me a hug when i need one. I've got nobody who i can talk to about what i've done. All i can do is sit here, shaking, wishing my life was over. Wishing that something would happen to just strike me down. God if i wasn't such a chicken shit i'd do it myself. But i can't.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
I've really lost her haven't i?
She's gone. I missed that phone call, and it looks like it's the last one that could have been.
I just don't know how to go on without her. I don't think i can.
I need help. I signed up on one site that is meant to be good for help with self-harm issues, but they banned me because i mentioned this blog and they instantly thought i'd be going for the younger memebers on the board and trying to sublimially persuade them to meet me so i could molest them, and they banned me. Thanks a fucking lot.
I've never hated anyone as much as i hate myself right now. I'd throw myself out of the window, or take all the tabliets i know are in this room. BUT I'M TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO DO IT. I FUCKING HATE THAT!
I've really dipped today. I just want to die again. I can't take it.
I can't live without her. It sounds so chiched, but i don't think i can ever love anyone the way i love her again. And i don't think it'll stop.
The only way i can deal with this is punching myself in the head. And look at the trouble that's already got me in. I'm broken. And i need her. I need her to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok, just like she did back then. Even if it's not, i just need that. But i can't expect her to do that anymore. And that's killing me even more.
On top of all this, i've still got the problem that i'm going to get killed in jail. And i'm seriously considering just finishing myself off before they get the joy of killing me. I just want to hit myself so hard that i cave my own head in.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I WANT MY FUCKING LIFE BACK! IF I'M NOT GOING TO GET IT, WHY DON'T YOU JUST KILL ME NOW!!! I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE ALL THIS WAITING AND SILENCE. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS ON MY OWN, AND I CAN'T TELL ANYONE ELSE THAN THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY KNOW.
HELP. HELP ME. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS.
I just don't know how to go on without her. I don't think i can.
I need help. I signed up on one site that is meant to be good for help with self-harm issues, but they banned me because i mentioned this blog and they instantly thought i'd be going for the younger memebers on the board and trying to sublimially persuade them to meet me so i could molest them, and they banned me. Thanks a fucking lot.
I've never hated anyone as much as i hate myself right now. I'd throw myself out of the window, or take all the tabliets i know are in this room. BUT I'M TOO MUCH OF A PUSSY TO DO IT. I FUCKING HATE THAT!
I've really dipped today. I just want to die again. I can't take it.
I can't live without her. It sounds so chiched, but i don't think i can ever love anyone the way i love her again. And i don't think it'll stop.
The only way i can deal with this is punching myself in the head. And look at the trouble that's already got me in. I'm broken. And i need her. I need her to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok, just like she did back then. Even if it's not, i just need that. But i can't expect her to do that anymore. And that's killing me even more.
On top of all this, i've still got the problem that i'm going to get killed in jail. And i'm seriously considering just finishing myself off before they get the joy of killing me. I just want to hit myself so hard that i cave my own head in.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I WANT MY FUCKING LIFE BACK! IF I'M NOT GOING TO GET IT, WHY DON'T YOU JUST KILL ME NOW!!! I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE ALL THIS WAITING AND SILENCE. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS ON MY OWN, AND I CAN'T TELL ANYONE ELSE THAN THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY KNOW.
HELP. HELP ME. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS.
Today, i try to make a difference.
I don't know if i'll be able to, but i have to try.
I've just set up an e-mail account - digitalignorance@googlemail.com
This is what i want you to do:
- IF you have problems with your feelings towards children, e-mail me.
- IF you have a collection of child porn, and don't want it but can't bring yourself to get rid of it, e-mail me.
- IF you can't deal with your feelings towards children, e-mail me.
- IF you want to tell me how sick i am, e-mail me.
- IF you've been abused for photos as a child, and want to tell me how fucked i am for supporting it for all the time i did, e-mail me.
- IF you want to ask me any questions, e-mail me.
I want to help you. I don't want anyone else to end up in the situation i'm in, and i want to try and understand the pain i've caused, so i can help stop more children having to go through what i've supported for so long.
A few conditions:
- DO NOT, i repeat DO NOT SEND ME CHILD PORN. This will NOT be anonymous, and any porn i recieve WILL be forwarded to the correct authorities, along with your details.
- DO NOT ASK me for child porn either. As above.
As i say, i don't know how to make it an anonymous service, but i WILL NOT pass on your details to anyone else (except for the reason above) - anything that is said between you (the sender) and me (me) will be handled with the strictest confidence.
---------
In other news, i've sorted a new bail date. Except this time dad has got to come with me. This i'm not looking forward to at all. So far he doesn't know anything about it, apart from that i had it on my computer.
I'm having real trouble trying to see a way past this. I can't commit suicide becase i don't want to hurt people around me, i don't want to go to prison because i'll get killed, and i don't want to go to prison, survive it, and then get out and be killed either.
I just can't see the "happy" ending where i don't go to prison (or i survive it), i get everything sorted, get my ex back, get my flat back, and start helping more people with understanding their child porn problems, getting their ill feelings sorted, making sure that they don't have to go through what i'm going through, and most importantly making sure that children don't have to go through abuse just to have photos made of them for the pleasure of other people.
I'm really serious about this. If i can get through the next few years, whatever happens, i will be devoting my life to it. Because i don't think that the best way to deal with child porn is to let people download it without telling them how wrong it is (i know that to most people it would be clearly wrong anyway, but it's also clear there are people who don't realise it is, for one reason or another), then punishing them for doing so.
I want to create something that says "If you feel this way towards children, then you have a problem. And there is help.", not just "If you look at children sexually, you're a sick baby rapist and you're going to be killed by a pack of angry chavs, who were given your address by the authorities, and they're going to beat you to death with "pediatricians out!" signs!!!"
It's not enough anymore. We need to be dealing with the problem at the root. Otherwise it will keep growing and coming back.
I wish i could have dealt with my feelings before i got arrested, but there's no way i was going to go to my GP and say "I've got a lovely bunch of child porn... And it's a problem. And i need help." - mainly because i imagine she would have immediately called the police, and i would have been arrested on the spot. There was nobody i could have turned to. The first time i heard about Stop It Now! was when one of the police officers gave me their phone number scribbled on a piece of paper as i was leaving the station. This i also intend to change.
Anyway, i'm probably repeating myself now, so i'll let you get on with your lives.
Don't forget, if there's anything you want to talk to me about or ask me, then e-mail me.
I've just set up an e-mail account - digitalignorance@googlemail.com
This is what i want you to do:
- IF you have problems with your feelings towards children, e-mail me.
- IF you have a collection of child porn, and don't want it but can't bring yourself to get rid of it, e-mail me.
- IF you can't deal with your feelings towards children, e-mail me.
- IF you want to tell me how sick i am, e-mail me.
- IF you've been abused for photos as a child, and want to tell me how fucked i am for supporting it for all the time i did, e-mail me.
- IF you want to ask me any questions, e-mail me.
I want to help you. I don't want anyone else to end up in the situation i'm in, and i want to try and understand the pain i've caused, so i can help stop more children having to go through what i've supported for so long.
A few conditions:
- DO NOT, i repeat DO NOT SEND ME CHILD PORN. This will NOT be anonymous, and any porn i recieve WILL be forwarded to the correct authorities, along with your details.
- DO NOT ASK me for child porn either. As above.
As i say, i don't know how to make it an anonymous service, but i WILL NOT pass on your details to anyone else (except for the reason above) - anything that is said between you (the sender) and me (me) will be handled with the strictest confidence.
---------
In other news, i've sorted a new bail date. Except this time dad has got to come with me. This i'm not looking forward to at all. So far he doesn't know anything about it, apart from that i had it on my computer.
I'm having real trouble trying to see a way past this. I can't commit suicide becase i don't want to hurt people around me, i don't want to go to prison because i'll get killed, and i don't want to go to prison, survive it, and then get out and be killed either.
I just can't see the "happy" ending where i don't go to prison (or i survive it), i get everything sorted, get my ex back, get my flat back, and start helping more people with understanding their child porn problems, getting their ill feelings sorted, making sure that they don't have to go through what i'm going through, and most importantly making sure that children don't have to go through abuse just to have photos made of them for the pleasure of other people.
I'm really serious about this. If i can get through the next few years, whatever happens, i will be devoting my life to it. Because i don't think that the best way to deal with child porn is to let people download it without telling them how wrong it is (i know that to most people it would be clearly wrong anyway, but it's also clear there are people who don't realise it is, for one reason or another), then punishing them for doing so.
I want to create something that says "If you feel this way towards children, then you have a problem. And there is help.", not just "If you look at children sexually, you're a sick baby rapist and you're going to be killed by a pack of angry chavs, who were given your address by the authorities, and they're going to beat you to death with "pediatricians out!" signs!!!"
It's not enough anymore. We need to be dealing with the problem at the root. Otherwise it will keep growing and coming back.
I wish i could have dealt with my feelings before i got arrested, but there's no way i was going to go to my GP and say "I've got a lovely bunch of child porn... And it's a problem. And i need help." - mainly because i imagine she would have immediately called the police, and i would have been arrested on the spot. There was nobody i could have turned to. The first time i heard about Stop It Now! was when one of the police officers gave me their phone number scribbled on a piece of paper as i was leaving the station. This i also intend to change.
Anyway, i'm probably repeating myself now, so i'll let you get on with your lives.
Don't forget, if there's anything you want to talk to me about or ask me, then e-mail me.
Friday, July 21, 2006
It didn't go well.
New solicitor, and after a long talk we decided that it was best to no comment the whole interview.
They started reading through names of images. Then asking be if i'd downloaded them. The question soon changed to had i created them.
They managed to recover the program. They were reading out names of people.
I couldn't take it. I cracked. I burst into tears and started punching myself in the head (something i've done for a long time to hurt myself when i deserve it).
At that moment i hated myself more than anything or anyone in the world. I still feel like that as i type this out.
They stopped the interview. I've got to go back in a few weeks. Then i'll probably get charged and a court date. Might get interviewed again.
Dad wants to come. I don't want him to be there and to hear details of what i'd been doing. But i don't know any way of stopping him.
This was always meant to be the end of my life. The thing that killed me. And now i'm here i haven't got the guts to do it, and i don't want anyone to do it for me. I know they will though. I'm not looking forward to it.
They started reading through names of images. Then asking be if i'd downloaded them. The question soon changed to had i created them.
They managed to recover the program. They were reading out names of people.
I couldn't take it. I cracked. I burst into tears and started punching myself in the head (something i've done for a long time to hurt myself when i deserve it).
At that moment i hated myself more than anything or anyone in the world. I still feel like that as i type this out.
They stopped the interview. I've got to go back in a few weeks. Then i'll probably get charged and a court date. Might get interviewed again.
Dad wants to come. I don't want him to be there and to hear details of what i'd been doing. But i don't know any way of stopping him.
This was always meant to be the end of my life. The thing that killed me. And now i'm here i haven't got the guts to do it, and i don't want anyone to do it for me. I know they will though. I'm not looking forward to it.
he really does believe i'm brain damaged
mum does too.
this makes me feel sick beyond belief.
right at this moment all i want is to die. god, why can't i have the strength to kill myself?
i can't see any other way through this. i don't know what to do, say or think anymore.
again, if this is my last post, goodbye and sorry.
this makes me feel sick beyond belief.
right at this moment all i want is to die. god, why can't i have the strength to kill myself?
i can't see any other way through this. i don't know what to do, say or think anymore.
again, if this is my last post, goodbye and sorry.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
I don't think i can do this anymore
Got bail again tomorrow. This time it's in London.
I know my life is going to end. It's basically gone already.
I've probably got enough tablets in my room to finish myself off tonight. And i'm seriously considering it.
Something similar yet probably more violent will happen to me in prison anyway. I don't know what else i can do.
That and today it was announced that even though i pleaded guilty, it won't be considered in my sentance anyway. This probably seals the fact that i'm going to be raped and murdered in prison. I don't want my life to end like that. I'd rather just take myself out with a lethal cocktail of paracetemol, flu remedies and hayfever tablets.
Even if i get through prison, when this "Sarah's law" thing goes through, i'll be hunted down and beaten to death by a lynch mob.
I always knew it was a way to end my life. And back then i wanted it to be. But now i've changed my mind, and there's no way out apart from doing it myself.
For anyone reading this who i know, if i do it, i'm sorry. I hope you'll understand why i had to do it. I know it's selfish, but i just can't see any other way at the moment.
Maybe if i do it i'll wake up on the 13th March, at 7:30 when the alarm came on, and go to work as usual. Anything is worth a try to make that happen.
I know my life is going to end. It's basically gone already.
I've probably got enough tablets in my room to finish myself off tonight. And i'm seriously considering it.
Something similar yet probably more violent will happen to me in prison anyway. I don't know what else i can do.
That and today it was announced that even though i pleaded guilty, it won't be considered in my sentance anyway. This probably seals the fact that i'm going to be raped and murdered in prison. I don't want my life to end like that. I'd rather just take myself out with a lethal cocktail of paracetemol, flu remedies and hayfever tablets.
Even if i get through prison, when this "Sarah's law" thing goes through, i'll be hunted down and beaten to death by a lynch mob.
I always knew it was a way to end my life. And back then i wanted it to be. But now i've changed my mind, and there's no way out apart from doing it myself.
For anyone reading this who i know, if i do it, i'm sorry. I hope you'll understand why i had to do it. I know it's selfish, but i just can't see any other way at the moment.
Maybe if i do it i'll wake up on the 13th March, at 7:30 when the alarm came on, and go to work as usual. Anything is worth a try to make that happen.
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